The Devil's Dictionary of Road Cycling
Roadie--A strange character who imagines him or herself as some kind of rugged individual in need of no one or any thing, but who spends most of its time cuddled behind other riders hiding from the wind, heat, rain, and cold.
Mass Sprint Finish--The moment in the race when, all intelligent tactics having failed, one is forced to compete against many competitors instead of a very few.
Drafting--That behavior which, if avoided frequently, leads to getting dropped.
Pack--A strange character who imagines itself some kind of collective hive of perfect harmony, but is in fact composed of multiple anxious and desperate creatures.
Tuesday Night World Championships--The most important race in the known universe, at which there are no numbers to pin, no money to pay, no prizes to pluck, and no officials to blame for losing.
“A” Ride--Those regular events which, on any given Sunday, can well exceed the length and speed of a bicycle race.
Podium Rider--The rider that you should probably be working for if you are not one.
Domestique--The rider that a podium rider should most seek out as an ally, instead of the other podium riders trying to beat you.
Team Time Trial--That event which is most often lost by not practicing it beforehand extensively with your colleagues.
Lead Out--A thing that, when you try to come around it, you better be very close to done.
Bicycle--1. An instrument one Roadie uses to torture other Roadies. 2. An instrument a Roadie uses to torture him or herself.
Dog--An animal who has domesticated itself alongside mankind, but who clearly does not like to play with the same toys.
Flat Patrol--That group of riders who is so fast, wise, and has so little to prove that they are willing to almost drop you while carrying you humbly back to the group.
Wreck--1. What happens typically when someone uses their brakes too much. 2. That moment which no helmet of any kind can prevent.
Redneck--A word that is often used to describe that rare country person in a truck who threatens cyclists, but is never applied to cyclists who threaten themselves and others.
Water--That substance which, if taken exclusively and without salt(s) in the heat, can turn our electrical system into a burned out bulb.
Criterium--A road race ruined by the repeated need to force one’s bicycle off its line of momentum in unison with dozens of other riders.
Ditch--A recession in the Earth covering much of the side of the road in which, if you find yourself laying, you will likely ask your companions, “Is my bike okay?”
Helmet--A device which, despite our best efforts to wear them during crashes, never seem to prevent any.
Kit--A set of designed team clothes which no more than 20% of any group of roadies will agree looks cool unless they are wearing it.
Fred/Pam--Archaic. The guy or gal everyone makes fun of, who they also were when they first started cycling.
Easy Day--A level of riding that only the greatest and wisest athletes ever achieve. The rest of us rarely try them.
Lactate Threshold--The thing that most riders think of as very high in their case, and therefore ride above it for too long a period of time while training.
VO2 Max (or Max)--A measure of absolute work potential that tells most of us absolutely nothing about how fast we can be.
Overtraining--A way of being pretty fit and very grumpy for most of the year, while avoiding being very fit for very important portions of the season.
Girls--People who should be taught at a young age how to fix things, especially their own bicycles.
Boys--People who should be taught at a young age how to fix things, especially their own bicycles.
Women--People who might need to be taught at a later age how to fix things, especially their own bicycles.
Men--People who might need to be taught at a later age how to fix things, but will likely claim to know how already and break something in the process.