Ah, the snap of the spandex! The exquisite way it controls the flab gained while watching too many football games and sucking down too many beers. I sure am glad I washed these puppies out before I sent them to the back of my drawer for the winter.
The extra long Horse Farm Hundred tee-shirt I got for volunteering last year (who do you think hacked-up all that salad?) fits a little tighter than I remember. But I like the way it covers up the little cellulite bumps on my buns. If I start now and work to build up miles, maybe I ll be ready to ride an actual century!
Now, all I need is a little air in the tires of my bra (my bike is a Sears Free Spirit, you know. They have a whole line of bras named Free Spirit too. With the gel seat on the bike, you can t tell the difference between one Free Spirit and the next). Let s see, where did I put the pump? I know I stored it with my helmet, gloves and that nifty little computer.
I have a love/hate relationship with my computer. I don t trust it after a long winter s rest. It will probably need to warm-up before it gives me accurate readings. I just know it ll say I ve gone only three miles when my legs tell me I ve gone 10.
My computer will also lie about how fast I m going. It ll say something stupid, like nine miles per hour, when I know I m going at least 15. In the beginning of the season it doesn t seem to be able to calculate the head-wind factor . I ll just set it to KPH til it catches on. We re supposed to be using the metric system anyway.
OK, here they all are. Ooh, these gloves got really stiff. I ll get em on anyway. Nothing s gonna keep me from a century this year!
Amazing. The helmet s still dorky. Add the dark sun glasses and I look just like a damn motorcycle cop. Oh well, it s better to look dorky now than suffer a brain-damaging spill that could cause me to drool constantly. Now that would be unattractive.
To get ready for the Horse Farm Hundred and my very first century, I pledge to ride with the Hunter s Crossing group. Now do they leave at 9 or 10 in the morning? Saturdays or Sundays? Oh, this is too confusing. I wouldn t want to get all dressed up to ride and then show up at the wrong time. Woody Allen said 90 percent of success is showing up. He forgot to mention that you have to do it at the right time. I ll look it up when I get my next copy of the GCC newsletter.
Meanwhile, I ll pump up the bra and take her for a little ride around the ol neighborhood. Check all systems. Computer: On. Helmet: On. Now which one is the front brake, the back? Oh yeah, I remember now. I ll figure the gears out again once I get on the straight-away. Yup, it s just like ridin a bicycle, nothin to it.
Listen: Can you hear the birds singing? Oh and the wind? I must be going at least 15. Damn computer, says I m going 8. Well, it s a good thing. There s a stop sign up ahead at the corner, I d have to slow down to stop anyway. How did that signaling thing go again? Oh, yeah, just kind of point to where you want to go. Let s see, left is good. I ll go down to the last cul-de- sac and back home again.
Nice. I haven t lost my command over centrifugal force. Speed Limit 30 . A quick glance at the computer. Nope, I m not gonna have any motorcycle cops pulling me over for speeding. They may wish to stop me to talk fashion, but at this rate I d be OK in a school speed zone.
OK, a right turn down this cul-de-sac. Oh, it s such a nice day I think I ll take it down to the end and then home again. I hope that big dumb dog is chained up, or at least that he s just as lazy from the off-season as I am. There he is. Not even picking his head up. But he did open his eyes to try to stare me down. Yeah, he ll be something to contend with as the season goes on.
Well, that should just about do it. I ve broken a sweat and I remember where I put my calves and quads. Besides it s starting to rain.
Just as I thought. I m gonna have to get this computer checked out. I know I ve been out at least 5 miles. You know what it says? Four tenths!